colours, believe me, it's colours

after watching pleasantville, i start to think quite a bit. the concept of the colours seemed to represent changes, and in this film it makes you think that changes is good. when you decided to let go of the past, the old thinking, the normal proceedure, you'll see things in a different light, and in this film, you see colours. things look better and more interesting with colours. it's just like discovering new stuff, you start to think with another perspective, along with old and new discovery. i like to think a lot. i keep thinking and thinking. so preoccupied. but at least i'm using my brain.

so then i was thinking.

i used not to believe what ppl say. even till now sometimes, but i know i've cut down a lot a lot more, as in i dun doubt so much. i have problem taking compliments. i'm still learning how to take them seriously and gratefully and in the right way. i appreciate them, really. somehow it had been instilled in my brain that compliments might actually be sarcasism. i dunno how it started. i guessed it's in the secondary school season. maybe also people had lied about things they told me abt, tt's y the idea was in my head that certain things and topics, the person is lying. so i doubt a lot. then i'll think a lot again. and i had been too gullible back then (like sec one).

the worst thing is i can't remember any good example to support those points. tt's the most irritating thing abt my short term memory ability. sometimes, things just happen and you'll just come to a conclusion at the spot. so the conclusion sticks but not the process that proves it. tt's just me. so very often i'll like to say certain things but i had weak support to support my point. then what's the use? or maybe, just maybe there had been too many small small pts happening together that makes the conclusion?

i started being paranoid somehow. probably tt's part of growing up. i dunno. but come to think of it, i really had been doubtful of what ppl say, esp nice things and tt's the weird thing. i been observing myself and i realised i can't seemed to express my thoughts properly. quite weird also. maybe "lack of practise" from since then. who cares what i say. they never makes sense.

yah i think i should learn to let go of the tenseness in me. it's just been there all the while. probably it had "harmed" myself in a way last time. things works in a circle. if i never really open up how will ppl approach me? issit how it's like? so then i had the idea tt i'm not wanted around, and that is why i thought the best thing to do is to stay away. and i stayed away quite a lot. tt was then again. or was everybody still childish? i'm not so sure actually. but i'll rather see the problem actually lies in myself. i'll never know the whole story of the other side. well tt's okay. at least i can find conclusion and answer for myself and from myself. i will be fine with this version, even though i still want to know what is really the problem.

now, i can look back now and see how it is like. but i dunno how it is like now. there hadn't been a close yet to the season. without an ending i can't see how things happen. but from what i can see now, i'm enjoying everything and even myself more. tt's a good thing i presume. hope that there isn't an end? but surely there will be especially when you go out and meet new people, then this will be a closed season. the poly seasion. the next one must starr the people from this season also.

seemed to be leading too far. wasn't it just on i used not to believe what ppl say? so then anyway if u've reached this far of this blog entry, i thank you and your patience, reading whatever i've written. if u understand at all haha!

beautiful music will always make me smile.

okay quite random.

i'm off!

(if i open the door, i'll see it. i'm just scared it will stab me.)